


On Near Death Experiences (pt.1)

by poquimo



Series: Happy Little Experiments [3]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Ambushes and Sneak Attacks, Developing Relationship, F/M, Family Drama, Mommy Issues, Ouch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-18
Updated: 2013-10-18
Packaged: 2017-12-29 18:18:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1008534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poquimo/pseuds/poquimo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hawke has to decide upon bringing Bethany along on the expedition and later proves just how unfun the whole thing turned out being.</p>
            </blockquote>





	On Near Death Experiences (pt.1)

**Author's Note:**

> This got way WAY too long for just a short 5000 word or less post, so I split it into two. Some of the dialogue is taken directly from in game, so slightly Disclaimer that I do not own those bits. Also put Anders' gift from Act 2 into Act 1!
> 
> Part 1 deals with the start of the expedition, Part 2 will deal with the idol and onwards. I am writing in an additional setback after Bartrand's betrayal that involves Varric and Hawke being separated from Fenris and Anders during the two week trudge back to the surface and it should be a big scene and development for that Varric/Hawke romantic-friendship.

It was three long weeks, but finally the effort had paid off royally. Hawke had an extra spring in every step as she bounced a rather large purse in her hand. It contained only half of the 50 (and then some) sovereigns she needed to buy onto the venture and now the only trial left was to let Bartrand in on the scheme and pay in full.

He was more than amicable to the idea the moment Hawke produced the second purse and put both near bursting into his hands. If Hawke wasn't feeling the love before, she was now as Bartrand beamed. He even called her “partner”. It was down right vomit worthy.

 _Like magpies indeed._ Varric though to himself with a grin.

“Now we just need an entrance to the Deep Road.” Bartrand concluded after he finished counting out every bit to make sure it was the full amount promised. He seemed more than satisfied.

Hawke's grinned, “I believe these might be just what we need.”  
She produced the four rolled up parchments, all sealed with the grey and blue emblem of the Grey Wardens. The wax had broken once or twice already, but Hawke had gotten Anders to refit them if only for appearances sake. The mage himself stood off to the side, watching Bodahn and his boy Sandal with interest. The enchantment apparatus in their care had not gone unnoticed by him.

Bartrand's eyes widened at the maps, taking them from Hawke eagerly and breaking the seals. He fingered through them in awe, “What's this?! Three-- _four_ entrances into the Deep Roads, _all_ in the Free Marches? Where did you get these?”

He was so busy with unraveling the maps he barely heard the man who stood behind Hawke say dryly,  
“A wizard did it.”

Hawke didn't miss a beat however and barked a laugh. Varric gave a self-satisfied smirk,

“Didn't I tell you we could find a Grey Warden? Mother didn't raise a fool. Well-- she didn't raise two of them.”

Bartrand rolled up the parchments and threw out a hand, “Well. Color me astounded! We just pick the most promising one and go!”

Never had the dwarf spoken in such a good natured way to Hawke. It was quite a change from the day he chased her and Bethany off without so much learning their names. Hawke crossed her arms and relaxed back on her heels, feeling all at once a giant weight being lifted from her shoulders. This was it. This was everything they had worked towards, everything Varric promised. This expedition would _make_ them and solve every problem. Her eyes turned towards Bethany and the sisters exchanged smiles. Bethany had not had such an expression of true utter peace since-- well, Hawke couldn't rightly think of a time since Lothering. Since Carver. Hawke could have kissed Varric right then and there-- hell, she could have kissed _both_ of the dwarves, but she settled with grinning like a fool as growing excitement bubbled up in her tummy.

“You better wrap up any business you have in the city, my friend. We'll be gone for several weeks at least.” Bartrand offered her a broad hand which Hawke took gladly and gave a firm shake, “Lemme know as soon as you're ready and we'll head out.”

***

 

It didn't take long for Hawke and Bethany to take a trip right across the way to the Hightown markets with Anders in tow. They sold off what junk they no longer needed from their packs and took Anders advice on what poultices and other potions to store up on for the long trip. With the sovereigns left over, Hawke took the opportunity to trade in her rusted and barely held together daggers for a new set. The steel was bright and had not even a smidgen of rust or dents. The edge was perfectly clean and she swore she could have split a hair across it. The hilt was laden with silver wiring over a red surface. Perfect for an Amell-- or a Hawke.

She bought the matching set. Bethany returned with a pendent that was suppose to raise ones stamina-- or in her case, it would probably improve her mana pool. Even Anders gave a low whistle as he looked over the smooth carved stone, tracing the designs upon its surface etched with lyrium.

“ _That_ is one handy bobble.” he said, releasing the pendant back against Bethany's neck. The younger Hawke looked pleased he approved and turned her attentions back across the way to a man selling Orlesian silks. Hawke swore she heard her ask to be shown a shade that matched her eyes and felt a whole new swell rising up in her chest. Overcome, she couldn't resist any longer.

“Which reminds me--” Hawke said to Anders, still twirling her new toys before holstering them deftly into sheaths at either side of her hips. She opened one of the small pouches in her leather armor and produced a charm of her own to him. 

“I found it in one of the Bandit's hideaways we raided. It's shiny _and_ subversive. I thought you'd like it.”

Hawke set the pendent in his hand and watched as Anders eyes widened and he took in a sharp breath, “Is that-- is that a _Tevinter_ Chantry amulet?”  
He stared down at Hawke, mouth agape, “Do you want me to get executed?! It's sacrilege to wear one in any land under the divine!”

Hawke chuckled completely unfazed and lazily waved his concern off, “And here I thought you _”fight for mages rights_ ”, whomever's bad side that puts you on.”

Anders held the amulet in his open palm to admire it, though he was careful not to let any passing people see. His thumb lingered over the etched sun on the smooth black surface, the polished ebony cool to the touch. A smile slowly tugged at one corner of his mouth and Hawke asked him quietly,

“Do you like it?”

“I like it-- well, not on the outside of my clothes... I've never really thought what it might be like in the Tevinter Chantry. “ he chuckled, “In the circle they make it sound like the void itself. The black divine stalking Thedas and making it unsafe for kittens and virgins.”

Hawke snorted, “I haven't noticed too many of either in Kirkwall.”

“And fewer every day I suspect!”

Anders took the braided chain apart and clasped it about his neck, sliding the pendant beneath his shirt.

“Thank you, I appreciate the gift-- and perhaps one day I can return one as meaningful.”

Hawke's cheeks seemed to color, but before he could be certain she punched him right in the arm. Anders winced and gave a short groan. That girl had some _bite_ behind those little jabs.

“Oh stop. You're going to make me blush. C'mon. It may not make your mana pool any deeper, but I'm sure we will find plenty of pretty things to adorn you with once we get to the Deep Roads.”

It was then Anders smile faded slightly, “Wait. Are you-- planning to ask me to go along?”

The rogue shifted from side to side as she hummed as if in thought when in fact it was probably her oldest avoidance technique in the book. Anders picked on it right away and felt his stomach twist. The thought of being down there, of being able to _hear_ those monsters again-- but another thought crept into his mind that made those fears seem trite. Anders knew what became of women who fell prey to Darkspawn. While men they killed, they drug women away to be turned into diabolical creatures whose only purpose was to produce more of the foul beasts.  
The thought of her lost, of her wounded and alone down there without anyone who knew how to properly battle Darkspawn, who couldn't sense them-- without anyone who _knew_ deeply their horrors...

“Good.” he said abruptly, surprising Hawke's attention back to him.

“Good?”

“Yes. I am a Grey Warden-- a reluctant _runaway_ Grey Warden, but my skills as a healer and as a Darkspawn detector will be indispensable. I wouldn't have it any other way.” he said, forcing a tight lipped smile to make the last sentence seem more genuine then it meant. What could he say? Between Darkspawn and no Darkspawn he'd always pick _no_ damned bloody shite Darkspawn.

“Well-- good.” Hawke gave a curt nod. She did a good job of hiding her relief at his acceptance, but after a moment the pair were smiling at one another again, their eyes soft.  
Anders nodded back, “Good.”

Bethany returned then, her hands full of glowing blue potions that Anders quickly helped to relieve her of before they spilt.

“Maker's breath! How you two chug those foul things down I will _never_ know. What do they even taste like?”

“Blueberry.” both mages said in unison as straight faced as possible until Hawke nearly believed them when Bethany finally snorted, breaking her serious expression. Anders grinned at her full and beautiful and Hawke felt her cheeks flush as she turned her head down and quickly stalked away with a harsh mutter,

“ _Bloody mages_.”

 

***

 

Everything was settled. The rest of the expedition was packed and ready to pull their supplies unto the road and out to the nearest Deep Road entrance Bartrand had picked out from the maps. It was around then that Fenris showed up, his own packs stuffed and his sword hauled over one shoulder.

“You're late.” Hawke scolded playfully and the mage narrowed his eyes at the elf as their leader helped him to load his packs unto a wagon.

“I am rather conspicuous up in Hightown. I went to the lower markets to get what was on your list. I ran into your mother--”

Before Fenris could even finish his words, Bartrand called out over them rudely,

“Hey! Who invited the old woman?”

Leandra Hawke hurried up to her children, wringing her hands together as she spoke quickly and nervously, “I'm sorry to interrupt, sir dwarf, but I need to speak to my children.”

Hawke felt her stomach drop, all the excited bubbles extinguishing-- but for a reason that was entirely her own fault, not her mothers. There was a decision she needed to make, and had been dancing around for some time whenever Bethany brought up the expedition. Now it was time to decide. Bethany had reached Leandra first, frowning as she spoke,

“Mother I _told_ you not to get involved with this!”

Leandra looked at her for a long moment, her amber eyes that so perfectly matched Bethany's own seemed to water over and tremble. She took in a deep breath and turned to face Hawke with a harshness in her expression that wasn't there before. That look she seemed to reserve _just for her_ and it made Hawke wish she was invisible.

“I need to know one thing. Are you planning on taking Bethany with you?”

“I... hadn't decided yet.” Hawke said and at her words Bethany turned sharply to stare at her, flicking her eyes between her sister and mother as she began to realize what was happening. It was obvious to her now when it should have been before. All those times Hawke laughed it off when she spoke about what trials they'd go through in the Deep Roads. All the noncommittal references and replies to Bethany's questions and concerns about how they might survive down there. She began to understand now-- and worst of all, she was powerless it seemed to control it.

“Mother, I'll be fine, _I want to go_.” Bethany interrupted, but when she spoke she looked at Hawke.

“It's not fine! You can't both go!” Leandra's voice rose, loud enough that everyone present either busied themselves with other things so to pretend they couldn't hear or watched openly.  
“What if something were to happen to you? You--” she rounded on her eldest daughter, voice edged with an unspoken accusation, “-- _you_ I understand wanting to do this! But leave your sister here, I beg you.”

Hawke visibly shrunk beneath her mother's gaze. All that confidence, all that leading amounted to nothing when it was her mother before her. A mother who had already lost one son... a loss she had placed upon Hawke's shoulders. Bethany felt fire bursting through her chest and inflaming her cheeks as she tried to suppress the words. It was no good, her own temper flared as hot as Hawke's and she shouted over the pair,

“It's the Templars or the Darkspawn, mother! At least I'm allowed to _fight_ Darkspawn!”

“Bethany--” Hawke said quietly.

“No. _No._ After all this-- sister you can't.”

“Bethany, _trust_ me. You don't really want to come. I'd stay behind if I could!”

Hawke was prepared to face the full extent of her sister's wrath for this, but when it looked like she might shout and scream and curse in her face-- Bethany sighed. Her fists were balled at her sides and there were tears forming in the corners of her eyes, but she said nothing. She felt foolish, standing there with all her bag packed and her supplies bought. Bethany picked up the pouch containing her lyrium pouches and walked swiftly over to where Anders hung back with Varric, pushing them into his hands.

“Here. Someone should get use out them.”

Bethany made to leave the square, but Hawke raced forward and caught her arm so quickly it whirled the younger girl back around to face her.

“I need you to take care of mother.” Hawke said quietly, _desperately_ She wanted to make her understand, “I need someone here for mother that isn't Gamlen. He'd leave her in the cold before we were burned and she'd be all alone--” Hawke spoke in earnest, but before she could continue on Bethany pulled her arm away roughly. The younger Hawke glared down at the stones for a long agonizing moment and then looked up at her sister, heartbroken.

“Just-- just come back safe. Alright?”

Hawke bit into her lip and before Bethany could resist, grabbed her into a hug. At first she was as rigid as stone beneath Hawke's touch, but soon her own arms came up and she gripped tightly. Somewhere in her heart, Hawke knew Bethany understood... or at least she hoped she did. Their mother was right. She just-- she couldn't fail their mother again. She couldn't take them all away. If Hawke died at least then maybe her mother could forgive her, but Bethany? It was too cruel to think.

She pulled back and brushed one of Bethany's dark locks behind her ear. Bethany shook it free the moment she was done and Hawke drew her hands back slowly.

“Just think. Next time we see each other, we'll be nobles. Orlesian silk and champagne, remember?”  
Neither girl laughed.

***

 

“Family drama over?” Bartrand asked, sarcasm dripping from his words.

“Shut it.”

Varric felt a sudden outbreak of sweat upon his brow when he heard Hawke snap at Bartrand. He turned his eyes to his brother to find that he was merely smiling smugly to himself as if he had gotten what he wanted and didn't egg Hawke on further.

An awkwardness still hung in the air as Hawke, slump shouldered and sulking, hung back from the caravan and refused to be cheered up. Even Blondie's attempts had been rebuked, which Varric supposed was only natural as she no doubt was so stuck in a rut she could only think of everytime he shoved her away when he battled his demons.

Anders now sat up in one of the wagons with Sandal and Bodahn, speaking to the boy animatedly as Sandal happily showed him the different runes that went into his enchanting. Every once in awhile the mage would glance back at Hawke, concern deeply etched into his face. Varric subtlety slowed his own pace until soon enough he was in the back alongside Hawke, finally able to match her stride with one of his own now that she kept such a sluggish scooting pace.

“Nice daggers.” he observed, reaching up easily and sliding one from her hip. He stared down its length, then balanced it on the side of his fingers as best he could whilst walking.

“Balanced. Sharp. _Shiny_. Keep them out of Darkspawn guts and they may last to be passed on to your great grandchildren.”

Hawke said nothing, so Varric continued. She either was ignoring him or truly had no _idea_ how much he could enjoy listening to the sound of his own voice... but just to test that...

He pointed at the silver detail on the handle, “Nice bits too.”  
The “B” however in the word, was nearly completely glazed over which made his sentence sound to an unlistening ear as _“Nice 'its too.”_ which roughly translated into Hawke's mind as _“Nice tits too.”_

That got her most focused attention as her hand came up with barely any effort to the perfect to smack Varric right behind his head. 

“ _Agh_! What? What?! Sheesh, here. Take it back. Pardon if I offended her ladyship with my compliments to her blade.”  
It was Hawke's turn to be perplexed, “Wait-- but you said. Oh. The dagger. You--”

“The _handle_. I was just saying the bits of wiring were a nice touch.” Varric rubbed the back of his head gingerly. Despite the faint sting he had to say, it was worth it just for the expression on her face when he spoke.

“Oh. _Ohhhh_.” Hawke blushed and took the blade, putting it back in its sheath.

“I take it this knew found pension for violence is on account of this morning?”

“More on account of my birth, I think some would say.”

“True.” Varric pushed his hands into the pocket of his duster and watched as Hawke focused on attempting to kick the same small pebble on the road with each step. At least she was walking faster now, he had to quicken his own stride.

“If it is any consolation, I think you made the right call.”

There, he said it. Hawke hummed lowly, a displeased sound more than an affirming or thoughtful one.

“What about your mother? I doubt she came to Bartrand demanding you be left behind.”

“Helped along by the fact she is dead.” he replied with little mirth.

“Maker's breath, Varric. I-- I'm sorry. I hit you upside the head then I... I'm a terrible person, okay? Just ask my mother.”

She kicked the small pebble hard, “Hell, I let my brother fight an ogre. Got him killed--”  
She kicked it again once they reached it, “I got my sister sold into indentured servitude for a year--”  
Another kick, “Hell, I kill bandits in alleyways and lie to anything with ears enough to be lied to--”

It was becoming clear now that there was no pebble to be kicked and instead Hawke seeming to just be satisfied picking up dust. Varric watched passively, letting her have it out with the road.

“-- I'm a wretch. A scheming, opportunist who couldn't rub two coppers together had it not been for you.”

That was-- not what he expected.

“I'm sorry I'm being such a grouch. I promise once we get in the Deep Roads I will be-- done. Grumping that is.”

A pause.

“Maybe.”  
Despite herself, she did laugh though and that was a good sign.

“I know, Hawke. I'm not here to chide and scold you on how you need to keep your head on the expedition. I'm here to listen, let you smack me around (though not too much if you don't mind) and in general make you feel less like you made a terrible decision, which you _didn't._ ”

Hawke drug her feet once more, silently nodding along with Varric's words until when he was finished she sighed.

“Did you see how she looked at me? Like I completely betrayed her....and I guess I did. The one person she shouldn't have to convince of anything; the one person who she has always given her unconditional trust and I couldn't trust her in turn. Maker-- _I_ was just as afraid as mother was about what could happen to her on this expedition.”

“Not exactly a bid of faith there...” Varric pointed out and Hawke barked a short mirthless laugh.

“It might sting her for now, but give it time. I may not have known you two for long, but from what I've seen I don't think there is a force on this Earth that could keep you apart for long-- or at least survive the trying. Sunshine will forgive it; a new shiny estate to call home usually helps in these things.”

***

 

The estate, felt further than ever from Hawke's grasp however the moment they hit the deep roads. They were less than twenty minutes down when a collapsed passage stalled everything to a standing halt. Bartrand was busy letting out his temper on one of the dwarven hirelings as the rest fell out of line and started unloading food and drink.

“We could scout ahead. The four of us.” Hawke suggested after losing her second hand of cards. They had pitched up a nice spot of their own, perched on boxes and picking at bread and dried meat rations. 

Varric gave a half shrug, though showed no real sign of wanting to remove himself from the pleasant diversion of taking all Hawke's remaining coin. “There are worse ideas I suppose.”

“I'd like to hear them.” Anders spoke up dryly, eyeing the dwarf with a raised brow. Varric seemed to recall now that in this instance, the mage was in fact his senior in every regard. The elf grunted in agreement.

“Look. We can't just sit around listening to Bartrand beat the help with our thumbs up our--”

“Did I hear right?” Bodahn spoke up from behind Hawke so suddenly the red-haired woman gave a start and nearly tipped off her box. He was looking pale and had a visible tremor in his hands, “You... are going to scout on? Oh please, messir. My boy, Sandal? He's run off! He's run off somewhere and I can't find him!”

“Short, blond fellow who asks if I want “Enchantment?” all the time?” Hawke asked glibly, clearly not grasping the full direness of the situation yet.

“ _Hawke_. Andraste's flaming ass, you can't just call a dwarf _short_ \--” the joke however well-being, died upon Varric's lips as Bodahn's desperate look turned pleading.

“There are monsters out there and he's always been so-- just please. I'll do anything if you get my boy back. I'm no warrior or I would myself.”

Hawke was already up, her dagger belt slung over her shoulder as Varric set down his hand of cards and fetched Bianca. Anders and Fenris took a moment to get on the same page, but were quit to gather up their weapons as Hawke followed Bodahn.

“Not many places to go. We'll follow up this path-- maybe if we're lucky we'll find a way around to boot.”

“And where do you think you're getting off to?! This is the sodding Deep Roads, not a garden picnic!” Bartrand's voice snarled out after them, clearly having lost his interest in the hirelings attempting to find some way to burrow through the collapsed road-- or simply burrow away from him.

“No sense in us all waiting here, brother. We'll scout ahead and if we find anything we'll let you know, and if we come back screaming-- well, you'll know you were right to stay put.”

Hawke huffed a laugh under her breath as Bartrand threw his hands up and went back to wishing no doubt he had a whip to crack over all their heads.

***

“Getting the rumbly tumblies yet?”

“The-- the _what?_ ” Anders snorted, giving Hawke a sideways glance as they swiftly made their way through the looming red stoned walls. Intricate statues of dwarves holding up hammers and axes lined the wall every few paces and geometric lines and shapes decorated the endless halls. Hawke seemed to be admiring them, but the mage had seen his fair share of ominous hallways and vast broken thaigs to be dreadfully underwhelmed.

“You know-- “ she whispered now, “...your special spawny sense.”

“Are you asking me if I am in heat, because I'm sorry to tell you that mages, like humans, don't have “spawny senses”.

To his credit, she smiled, but rolled her eyes as well.

“Darkspawn, you dolt.”

“Ah yes, darkspawn.” Anders finger quoted in the air at the word, “Surprisingly, no. A few tremors here and there but they are so faint I think it may just be remnants from when a group passed through.”

Hawke hummed in approval and matched his pace stride for stride. 

“Do all the Deep Roads look the same?”

“With the eerie red lava glow and endless piles of rubble? Generally.”

“Can't see why you never wanted to come back! It's been down right leisurely so far.”

“”A regular walk in the park”, I have been known to say. If you don't count the Archdemon filled nightmares and early death.”

Ah. Too much detail. Hawke stopped dead in her tracks and looked at him with sudden seriousness.

“Maker's breath-- I keep doing this today. I... well, sorry. Sorry.”

Anders wished he could will the words back in his head, but not even magic could perform that feat.

“The Archdemon was long dead before I got hitched to the fun wagon. You-- still get nightmares, but mine are generally not as numerous. The Commander, the warden who recruited me? She had what I would more seriously diagnose as the “taint filled nightmares.”

“I remember you mentioning them when we met, I'm more taken back by the er-- early death? ..what's that about?”

How many Grey Warden secrets could he release in one breath? Too many it seemed. It did however also seem rather odd to care so much now when no doubt the same Commander who once saved his ungrateful cowardly arse would probably stab a bolt through his heart now. He cleared his throat and walked on hoping she would follow along. She did.

“I was informed that the taint eventually kills most Wardens thirty years after inscription... give or take. I am sort of a _special_ case I wager though.”

“You think Justice might slow it down?”

“He does a lot of other peculiar things to me... I wouldn't be too surprised.”

“Hmmm, now you've got me all curious about all these _peculiar_ things.” she said, trying to side step the more serious mood.

Before Anders could respond to her coyness, Hawke had hurried on ahead past Varric and Fenris who had managed to get a good feet away from them down a winding tunnel. Inside the walls glowed with blue light as lyrium veined through the stone. Hawke skipped right past them and into the tunnel, ooing audibly as she touched the veins.

“Have you ever seen anything like thi--”

Anders felt a surge go through his chest, a rare combination of panic and the tingling throbbing numbness that was his darkspawn sense going off in his mind. The panic though, came from seeing three arrows suddenly sprouting from Hawke's body, surprise barely registering on her face as she teetered where she stood and dropped.


End file.
